Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Zero Tolerance

“Zero Tolerance. Saturday, June 21 [2008]. Piazza Madama Cristina, at 8:30 PM. Appetizer potluck to follow the screening of the documentary ‘Green Shirts.’

“A new human race exists: the PADANIAN RACE. The individuals who belong to this team follow Celtic rites, deliriously crusade to defend the churches of tradition, rave against [foreign] invasions and for the ‘ethnic cleansing of the queers,’ and want to defend the Sacred Polenta from the blasphemous Couscous, by rifle if necessary. The scheduled documentary, ‘Green Shirts,’ uses various shots of Padanians in their natural habitat to show the true ‘flame’ that animates them: pure xenophobia, expressed by the slogan that is also the password of their unique faith: ‘Zero tolerance, less than zero, always intolerance!’

“Turinsquatters. Against fascist idiocy.”

The Nazi-oid picture features "the Sun of the Alps," the symbol for Lega Nord's proposed flag of Padania, in place of the swastika, and the photoshopped faces are, left to right, Roberto Calderoli (Senator and Minister for Legislative Simplification), Mario Borghezio (President of Lega Nord Piemonte and member of the European Parliament), Umberto Bossi (Federal Secretary of Lega Nord and Minister for Institutional Reforms), and Angelo Alessandri (Federal President of Lega Nord and member of the Chamber of Deputies). N.B.: the large black boot of the militant leftist and the spray of blood from the skinhead’s face. I don’t know what to make of the fact that “Turinsquatters” is rendered in English.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Grammar Lesson


Lie vs. Lay

Lie /´lī/, n., means “an untruth” and v., means “to tell an untruth.” Lay /´lā/, either v. (often used with “got” or “get”) or n., is an outdated euphemism for sex/sex partner.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Cows of West Hartford

The West Hartford Center (so named in homage to European urban planning terminology that eschews “downtown,” and to indicate its resemblance to a shopping mall, which it kind of is) is dotted with cows. While each cow is fundamentally the same slightly-smaller-than-life ceramic (?) sculpture, local artists have painted each to correspond to their unique vision of what it means to be a West Hartforder. Part charity (the sculptured cows will eventually be auctioned), part testament to civic pride, part eyesore, all West Hartford. But why cows? It’s simple: the cow has been the symbol of West Hartford since its bloody inception during Hartford’s civil war of the late nineteenth century. The defeated minority, who had advocated reestablishing Connecticut’s capital as Very Upper Manhattan, were robbed of their horses by the vindictive and occasionally cannibalistic mercenaries hired by insurance companies and banished from town on cowback. After they had traveled west for approximately two miles they dismounted and founded a communal and utopian township. This new and “West” Hartford abolished all distinctions based on the color of one’s skin, the sex of one’s body, and the species one belonged to, bringing the cows into their government and homes, raising them as their own, and eventually mating with them. The city’s inordinate number of salons is credited to the rigors of grooming bovine and bovine-human offspring according to the standards of international (human) fashion. All distinctions and hierarchies based on economic class remain rigidly adhered to.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

1. What’s the matter with you?
2. Does this look OK?
3. Where do we keep it?
4. Are you really going to go through with that?
5. What do you mean, you didn’t bring it?
6. Are you sure?
7. Who else is going to be there?
8. Don’t you think you could do better?
9. Can’t you ever be honest?
10. Oh, yeah?

Frequently Given Answers (FGA)

1. I’m not sure that’s right for you.
2. Yes.
3. Not in this house.
4. That’s not what I said.
5. I’m tired and I just don’t care anymore.
6. You were talking so loudly it was hardly eavesdropping.
7. If you do it, too.
8. Because after the day I’ve had I deserve it.
9. No.
10. It’s up to you.